At times, confidence feels like an unattainable feature. Like faux leather that never cracks.

But how do you shift conversations with strangers and make them work for you instead of against you?

To start understanding this properly, I need to reveal a couple of things about how I see confidence and how to attain it. If you have confidence in general, feel free to scroll to the part where I talk about shifting conversations.

I think of confidence like a house, with multiple floors. There’s the ground floor, the 1st floor, the 2nd floor and so on until .. you feel your cup full (meaning you’d feel like James Bond after having his Martini shaken).

The ground floor is your most basic self. Think of the person you have, first thing in the morning after waking up and stretching out of bed – You in your most true form.

Now the ground floor is big. It is not as small as the other floors. It has a lot of wiggle room, and this usually means the transitioning phases of your true self, during the day. 

This is the space where all your questions and insecurities about yourself start flooding in, making it hard to cope with.

You have just one space, there’s no other one that you can go to. That’s your mind.

And maybe you don’t feel confident. And then it’s frustrating, because you have this idealistic idea about yourself, that you can win people with just a simple smile and a wave.

I’m getting to the conversation point, promise.

Everyone is talking about it, and you feel like you’re the only one not having it already.

It’s almost like a lie that they made you believe it can be yours, but you feel a mountain of pressure over your shoulders when it comes to attaining that so called confidence.

You feel like a loser when you’re not confident. And the mantra of breathing and saying “be more confident now!” doesn’t work.

How about instead of focusing on gaining confidence, we focus on doing what we have to do anyway, no matter how little of a mood we have.

I know it sounds like tough love, but think about it: how will you ever get to confidence without doing something first? It’s like wanting to be rich without putting the work, or wanting to book a ticket, without a paycheck. 

Do you need confidence to do a task? Nope.

Do you need confidence to take that call? Nope. You just have to do it.

Do you need confidence to have that confrontational conversation? Nope. You have to push through.

At the end of the day, you will feel like you’ve climbed to the 1st level in your confidence house.

Break the tasks you have to do, into smaller ones. Like if you have to finish a project by the end of the week, focus on the first 2 things that can be easily done first. And so on.

Shift your focus from confidence to other areas that are easier to improve or to finish right away.

Ok, say you have mastered the art of doing, and you have become skilled at something. An expert even.

What does contextual confidence mean when socializing with random people?

Boom. Socializing with…randoooom people

Sometimes we have to..

And it’s healthy for our brain.

This is the secret:

Ask the right questions. If you want to talk about your job, don’t ask ‘how have you been?’ This is generally such a used question that most people answer to very blindly. And by that I mean they don’t even think about it, it’s automatic – Yeah pretty good, can’t complain. Or could be better. Or yes good, how about you?

Then you say: yea yea good. Then, naturally the next thing is to say Alright then, it was nice seeing you, cheers! And go in your way.

Jefferson Fisher makes some great points if you want to go more in depth on this topic.

What are you working on lately? / Do you have any new projects going on? – That’s a different take, thank you Vanessa Van Edwards for this enlightening solution. It was love at first sight.

I would twist it even more, and dare to add:

What’s exciting at work lately? 

Working on anything interesting lately?

Are you still at …X workplace? How are they treating you? – Most people will say something juicy when hearing “treating me”, because almost everyone has something they want to complain about, or praise about.

So naturally, the question would flip to you, and when it’s your turn, you’ll get to feel that contextual confidence I’m talking about. 

You would get to talk about your project or your new acquired skill. 

I for one, adore to see people passionate about what they’re doing, and I would love a companion that gives out good vibes about their projects and goals.

One powerful conversation every week, and you not only feel more confident, but you also become more aware of your mission. Now you’ve told so many people what you’re on to, so you would have to fulfill it.

You’re not being held accountable, but that powerful feeling you’ll get, that dopamine that will come after you have seen yourself as an expert, will push you to do great things.

So don’t feel like you’re bragging when you’re talking about something that you like. It’s just contextual confidence.

And it’s one of the paths to reaching all the floors in your house.

I would love to read about what do you feel confident about!